You’ve probably heard it said “God never closes a door without opening a window.” I guess that’s supposed to be comforting, but I see it as, not only has He shut you inside, but He’s also wasting the air conditioning and letting in a bunch of bugs. Thanks a lot.

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Think I figured out how to solve the economic crisis in this country. Understand, I’m no economist, so maybe this wouldn’t actually work, and I’m overlooking something that would actually make things worse, but I’ve thought about it several different ways and I can’t really see any holes in it.

It’s a really simple plan. If you make less than $65,000 a year singly or $130,000 jointly, you get six months with no federal income taxes withheld. That’s it. Six months, the government doesn’t take a huge chunk of your paycheck away (state taxes, Medicaid, and Social Security will continue to be withheld). That money is yours to keep so you can get caught up on your mortgage, or pay down some of your credit cards, or even just get out and buy that new digital TV the networks keep bitching at you to buy so you can keep watching TV after February. Money to save, to spend, to get caught up, to get back into the economy.

Now, the people that make over those dollar amounts will, of course, continue to have their federal taxes withheld, but at end-of-the-year tax time, they’ll receive a bonus in the form of a lower tax bracket, or be granted a few additional deductions, or something, just to lessen the sting a bit. And the federal government will just have to spend six months doing what the rest of us have had to do the last few years: tighten their belts, watch their spending, and maybe have to put off a purchase or two until things turn around.

Sure seems like it should work, doesn’t it?

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We have the TV on all day at my job, which is only normal since it’s a TV station, so I was able to pretty much watch all ninety-seven hours of the Barack Obama inauguration coverage. First, I do have to say it was damned impressive that they could plan, organize, and execute that massive of an event, for that many people, with pretty much nary a hitch. It was also impressive that the networks could cover everything, live, with hardly any problems or technical issues.

However, they did have to fill and stretch quite a bit to fill all the time they had and so, naturally, there was some repetition. And after watching the vast majority of the proceedings, listening to the talking heads, and hearing the reporters asking audience members the same questions over and over, I’ve determined the most important points, based on number of times mentioned. So if you didn’t have the chance to watch the full length of the coverage, here is a summary of the main points that were made repeatedly:

1. Barack Obama is president
2. He’s black
3. He’s the first black guy to be president
4. His name is Barack Obama
5. Most people in the audience didn’t think they’d see a black president in their lifetime
6. But they’re super happy they did
7. It’s cold
8. Obama’s wife was wearing a dress
9. It’s really cold
10. Barack Obama

There was some other stuff but those were the key items that were brought up again and again. So if you feel like you missed out if you didn’t get to see the entirety of the coverage, now you know what you missed.

Also, Barack Obama.

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One thing I worried about when first contemplating the move to Colorado was winter. I’d heard horror stories about the amount of snow you could get this close to the mountains, seen photos and videos of huge drifts of snow, cars sliding around, people struggling through blizzard conditions. “Relax,” people told me, “Colorado in the winter is no big deal. They’re used to snow. They’re ready for snow. They know how to handle it.”

Having now gotten through part of the winter here, I can agree that, yes, Colorado does indeed know how to handle winter. They handle it, apparently, by not doing a damn thing about it. We’ve had several semi-hefty snowfalls now, and every time, nothing has been done. Oh, sure, they run the plows in a limited fashion along the main interstate, maybe hit the one most-driven surface street, but otherwise they do squat. No salt, no sand, and certainly no plowing.

We live on the north side of town and I can state with conviction that they have never once plowed any street within a fifteen-mile radius of us, preferring to allow the traffic to sort of plow little clear paths with their tires, which really only packs the snow into a frozen sheet of slippery death. So you skid and slide along, guessing where the lane might actually be, and praying at every stop light that you don’t just go spinning merrily through the intersection. It’s fun!

I guess they figure, hey, half the state drives SUVs anyway, might as well let them get some use out of the things.

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Well, Tuesday’s the premiere of the latest season of what is, for me, one of the most boring shows on television, American Idol. Face it: This is essentially four months of karaoke without the benefit of beer. People get up and sing. And that’s it. Oh, sure, they dress it up with phone voting, record deal prizes, and judges who, if you think about it, have no real power or authority, but in the end, it’s people singing for an hour and Ryan Seacrest and neither one’s that entertaining.

It could be, though. One problem with American Idol is the doppleganger cast of wannabes they have every season. Let me make a prediction about this year’s crop of hopefuls. They’ll all be twenty-somethings with perfect teeth and in good physical condition, except for one token chunky kid. You’ll have three or four African-Americans (more girls than guys), and maybe a lone Latino. If they’re feeling dangerous, they may include an Asian who’ll get voted off within two weeks. The rest of the group will be white kids with perfect skin. The women will show an uncanny group preference for midriff-exposing tops and lo-rise pants.

Eighty percent of the contestants will be blonde.

Seriously, except for the winners, can you tell one season’s singers from another? I can’t. So here’s what I want to see. I want to see one contestant who stands head and shoulders above the rest, who is clearly the best singer, not only on that stage, but in the history of all recorded music. I want a singer with a voice that would make grown men weep, a voice that transcends beauty, that caresses your soul and tells it everything is all right, the world is a wonderful place and you are secure in it. A voice that leaves you stunned, shocked into silence lest you tarnish the memory of what you have just experienced.

I just want it coming out of someone who is ass-ugly.

I don’t mean just kind of dorky like Clay Whatshisname before they started assaulting him with gallons of hair gel. I mean full-on, no-hope, camera-damaging ugly. I want this singer to be an extremely homely girl from the Ozarks. I’m talking the full deal here: blackened buck teeth, alarming acne, thirty pounds overweight, skin the color of curdled milk, unshaven legs, full-blown mustache, the works.

Oh, sure, the hair and make-up people would do their level best, but in the end it wouldn’t be enough. You’d have this wonderful, beautiful voice that shames the rest of the contestants, coming out of someone for whom the phrase “good personality” seems generous. I just want to see how far she’d make it in the competition, in this appearance-obsessed society of ours. Would she even make it past the first round, or would people take one look, block all their other senses, and cast their vote for Random Singer #74 who can’t sing as well, but sure looks cute in that top?

So when you’re watching this latest installment of Musical Attack of the Clones, ask yourself: Was there really no one out there who sounded better than these lookalikes? Was there someone who really had a gift to share with the world, but won’t get the chance because they’re not “good TV”?

Ah, America: where you’re worthless unless you’re pretty.

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Some people have a photographic memory. Not me. I have a phonographic memory: Scratchy and skips a lot.

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Ever hear the phrase “there’s no time like the present”? I’ve never fully understood that. I’ve had plenty of times like the present. Maybe earlier or later, but still fundamentally the same. My current present, sitting in front of the computer? Yeah, lots and lots of times exactly like this. I’d be willing to bet I was even wearing the same clothes.

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Lake Superior University has released their annual list of words and phrases that they want to see stricken from the vocabulary due to overuse and mis-use. And while I think they missed quite a few good candidates—”sustainability,” “change,” “empowered/empowering,” and the phrase “I know, right?” all spring immediately to mind—there’s still plenty of candidates on the list that I’ve grown exceedingly weary of hearing over and over, often in the wrong context.

What new grammatical horrors will the new year bring? “Only time will tell.”

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Every January first, I get up, look out the window, and am always marginally disappointed that everything still looks exactly the same. You’d think I’d learn.

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