I’ve decided to buy one of those dumb-ass over-the-ear Bluetooth headpieces that countless cell-phone douches use to hold ungodly loud conversations with invisible people in the supermarket so they can continue buying toilet paper without having to tie up their hands. Please understand, I’m not going to use it for that purpose. I’m only going to use it in the car, and I’m not even going to hook it up to my cell phone. Just this way I can sing along with the radio and passing motorists will simply think I’m having an animated phone conversation.

Better to be thought of as an ass than a nutcase.