I was a bit of a Ghostbusters fan in my younger days, so I was fairly excited for this game. Written by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis, featuring the voice talents of the original cast, utilizing the authentic sound effects, considered to be the unofficial third film in the trilogy, this game is the closest you can get to being a Ghostbuster.

Turns out, being a Ghostbuster just isn’t all that fun.

Oh, there’s an initial thrill when you first fire your proton pack and hear that familiar energy crackle, watch your beam tear a burning trail up the wall. It’s enjoyable to wrangle a ghost over a trap and hold him in place long enough for him to be sucked down in a swirl of color and light. But the novelty soon wears off and you find yourself lumbering down corridor after corridor on your way to the next scripted event, where you’ll zap ghosts for a l-o-n-g time to wear them down before you can wrangle them into a trap. Along the way you’ll blast dozens of low-level ghosts who don’t require trapping, just shooting. In fact, there’s only a small handful of ghosts that you actually have to trap. The rest you shoot a few times with one of your specialized energy rays and they simply evaporate. It’s probably for the best that you don’t have to trap every single ghost in the game, as that would get tedious, but the developers have used the blast mechanic as an excuse to swarm you with smaller spirits.

Would you hold still while I shoot you for several minutes?

Make no mistake, you will get swarmed, you will get hit with lots of cheap shots from behind and off-screen, and you and your teammates will go down. Often. Now I know the Ghostbusters aren’t superheroes. They’re just regular guys with unlicensed nuclear accelerators strapped to their backs. But these creampuffs get knocked flat at the drop of a hat, leaving it up to you to run over and revive them. And you’ll be doing that over and over. There was one frantic battle where I had to completely ignore the attacking spirits and merely ran back and forth across the room, reviving the team one after the other. As soon as one got up, one of the others would drop again. I considered just leaving them, but if you all go down, it’s Mission Failed and you have to sit through a twenty- to thirty-second reload to restart from the last (usually distant) checkpoint. Not a lot of fun.

Guys? Can I get some help? Oh, you're all down. Again.

Adding to the ease of getting knocked down are the canned animations in the game. If your pack starts to overheat, you need to vent it to keep it from locking up for several seconds. If a ghost attacks you, you need to dodge out of the way to avoid taking damage. These two events are mutually exclusive. Once you start venting your pack, the animation of you fiddling with the gun has to complete before another animation can start, so you can’t do a dodge until the venting is complete. I took a lot of shots on the chin because of that. Likewise, I’d dodge with a hot pack, try to vent along the way, open fire on the attacking ghost and instantly overheat because the venting couldn’t happen with the dodge animation underway. Same for switching between energy beam types, which you do often to attack different types of spooks. There’s even a full-second delay between the time you hit the sprint button and you actually start running, which is less than helpful when trying to get out of the way of Class V Possessor.

Still, I was willing to overlook a fair amount of this just for the fun of being a Ghostbuster—even a nameless, mute one—for a while. A short while. A very short while. I wound up finishing the game on next-to-hardest difficulty in under seven hours, and I’m pretty sure that time total included replaying areas after a mission fail. There’s a little bit of replay value in the game in the form of hidden spirit artifacts to find, plus an online mode that I must admit that I haven’t tried, but if you just want to play through the story, you can pretty much do it over a long weekend rental and save yourself the sixty bucks.

Talk slower. It'll add to the total game time.

I think I’m willing to cut the game more slack than I should just because of my old fondness for the franchise. Even with the cheap hits, the slow pace, and the questionable game mechanics, it’s worth playing just to hear Venkman fire off one-liners, to listen to Stantz and Spengler speculate in their quasi-scientific tecnobabble, to watch the Ghostbusters face off once again against malevolent spirits bent on tearing apart the fabric of reality. Maybe it would have actually made for a good third movie.

It’s just not that great of a game.

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Recently I wrote about Microsoft’s Project Natal, the full-body motion-tracking camera that will let you flail and wave to try and play video games. Now Sony has unveiled their motion controller with a fairly impressive, yet lengthy, tech demo.

I’m more predisposed to like this one over Microsoft’s offering because at least here you’re actually holding something, rather than just waving your arms blindly through the air and hoping for the best. There’s something physical and tactile to help ground you. Second, they actually show some gameplay I might be interested in (Look! Weapons! Combat!) rather than the Clumsy Monster Game and virtual dressing rooms. And, of course, they didn’t use the Heavily Sedated Model Squad to showcase the tech. That gets all sorts of bonus points right there.

But at the end of the day, it’s still another “wave your arms to play” setup and I just can’t get worked up for that. It was a novelty (and a short-lived one) when the Wii came out, and I just can’t generate any more enthusiasm for the concept. Watch the ending of the tech video, when he’s shooting arrows at the slowly lumbering enemies. Cool? I suppose so. Technically impressive? You bet. But is it an improvement over the current set-up? Is that really better than entering first-person mode with X and firing with the right trigger? Which is better: ripping off ten quick headshots against fast, aggressive enemies, or laboriously setting up your shot against plodding foes but doing it in a more “real life” way?

Both Sony and Microsoft, and even Nintendo, say the gamer user base is shrinking (I have no idea where they got that idea) and that they need to do something to get more people into the gaming realm. Hate to break it to you, but this isn’t it. These methods of interaction aren’t any simpler. Maybe more intuitive in the short-term, but even the developers in the video show difficulty in hitting things on-screen, interacting with objects, and making things go where they want. What hope would, say, my parents have? And what non-gamer is going to invest the money into something like this on the off-chance that they might enjoy it? (And don’t point to the Wii’s astronomic sales; that’s just parents buying their kids the cheap console.) People game because they like the games, not because they think the control scheme is nifty. You want to increase the gamer world? Offer up better, more original, more interesting games with greater variety.

And quit making the models wave.

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One of the big stories to come out of this year’s E3 is Microsoft’s “Our Wii Is Bigger than Yours” throwdown to Nintendo in the form of Project Natal. Stealing the idea from Sony’s EyeToy failure, Project Natal is a camera that claims to offer full-body motion-tracking, as well as facial and voice recognition. So now instead of just waving your arms around to play games, you can jump around and flail your whole body! Awesome!

To highlight the advantages of the system, they produced a highlight video starring folks from the same stable of zero-acting-ability Old Navy-model rejects that Nintendo always uses, living in one of those Ikea-furnished houses no one actually has. The whole video is a gamer’s nightmare, but there are some fantastic standouts, including Dad doing a horrendous version of a pit stop, a little Hanson kid playing Monster (watch for the roar), and the lifeless conversation between Daughter and her ethnic friend about dress choice. You watch that and tell me it doesn’t beat using twin thumbsticks to shoot zombies in the head.

Here’s the thing, and maybe this is just me, but I don’t want to move around while I game. I’m quite content to place my ever-expanding ass on the couch and move no more than my thumbs while my character runs and jumps and swims and shoots and does whatever hell else I tell him to do while I remain perfectly stationary. If I want to perform a 360 nollie highside laser flip (or whatever) on a skateboard, I’m fine doing it with a combination of the right stick and left shoulder trigger. I don’t need to actually jump into the air in my living room. Likewise, I don’t need to actually kick my foot to kick a virtual soccer ball. Seems to me that if I were going to do that, I’d, I dunno, actually go outside and kick a friggin’ ball.

So please, game companies, stop with the “revolutionary” new ways for us to game. We don’t play with our families. We don’t have the necessary room to do all this thrashing around. And we really don’t want to move. You want to do something cool with game control? Put a button on the controller that automatically orders pizza. That I would use.

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