I’ve often heard it said that “money is no object.” Nonsense. Money is totally an object. It has mass, displaces matter, can be perceived by the senses… I don’t know. I guess if you get rich enough to say things like that, no one is going to dare point out that they don’t make sense.

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I got an iPhone. I love it. This thing is geek crack. But it has its share of problems, not the least of which is its “helpful” auto-type feature. Now, for the most part, it does a fairly good job of guessing what you’re starting to type and offers up a suggestion for the word which you can then tap and the iPhone will drop it into your email for you. However, it also “corrects” words automatically for you after you’ve typed them and that doesn’t always go so well.

Case in point, the Mrs. loves Starbucks’ frappuccinos. Have one every day if you let her. (And, word to the wise, it’s not a good idea to attempt to prevent her from doing so.) She’ll often ask me to bring her a frap on my home from work, or I’ll ask her if she needs one. Thing is, if I type into my iPhone, “Do I need to bring you a frap?” the phone will take it upon itself to change it to “Do I need to bring you a feap?” I have no idea what a “feap” is. Never heard of it. Neither has Miriam Webster’s. In fact, I checked four different dictionaries and none of them have an entry for “feap.” So the iPhone is automatically changing a word I meant to type into a nonsensical word that doesn’t, technically, exist.

Guess the iPhone is just thinking differently.

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Got a call the other day from a local charity. The woman on the phone, clearly reading from a script, asked in a inflectionless voice if I’d like to donate money to help prevent child abuse. I told her I wasn’t interested as I really considered myself more on the supply-side of child abuse.

I don’t think she had a section in her script for that.

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If you look up “picture” in the dictionary, there’s no picture. Ditto for “photograph,” “illustration,” “diagram,” “graph,” and “chart.” Seems like of all the words that were tailor-made to have sample images with them…

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I heard that phrase on the news the other day: So-and-so was “a victim of a senseless crime.” And you know, I don’t think that’s true. By and large, I’m not sure there are that many senseless crimes, no matter how bizarre. Just because it doesn’t make sense to us doesn’t make it senseless. Think about it, if someone chops up some co-eds, eats their eyes, and wears their entrails like a hat, I have to imagine it made sense to the guy at the time. We may not understand it, but the dude definitely had a reason. That’s not really a spur of the moment kind of thing.

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A small advertising blurb on my latest Comcast bill reads “Demand more at Comcast.”

“At,” not “from.” Important distinction.

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You’ve probably heard it said “God never closes a door without opening a window.” I guess that’s supposed to be comforting, but I see it as, not only has He shut you inside, but He’s also wasting the air conditioning and letting in a bunch of bugs. Thanks a lot.

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Ever hear the phrase “there’s no time like the present”? I’ve never fully understood that. I’ve had plenty of times like the present. Maybe earlier or later, but still fundamentally the same. My current present, sitting in front of the computer? Yeah, lots and lots of times exactly like this. I’d be willing to bet I was even wearing the same clothes.

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Lake Superior University has released their annual list of words and phrases that they want to see stricken from the vocabulary due to overuse and mis-use. And while I think they missed quite a few good candidates—”sustainability,” “change,” “empowered/empowering,” and the phrase “I know, right?” all spring immediately to mind—there’s still plenty of candidates on the list that I’ve grown exceedingly weary of hearing over and over, often in the wrong context.

What new grammatical horrors will the new year bring? “Only time will tell.”

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And yes, merry Christmas, not “season’s greetings” or “happy holidays” or any of the other twisted and tortured PC-approved phrases. Just a good ol’ merry Christmas. Why? Simply put, that’s what my family and I celebrate, so that’s what I know.

That has always amazed me about this time of the year. The one time that’s supposed to be about coming together, peace and brotherhood, giving and sharing, and instead everyone seems to get their panties in a bunch if you use a holiday-specific greeting that they don’t personally use. It’s supposed to be a time of togetherness, not further divisiveness. And it’s really all so pointless.

If I’m walking down the street and you wish me a merry Christmas, I’ll respond in kind. Wish me a happy Hannukah, I’ll wish you one in return. Happy Kwanzaa? Right back at ya. I’m not going to be offended or upset that you wished me a joyous holiday that I don’t personally celebrate. Because when you get right down to it, no matter what label you slap on it, they all really say the same thing: I wish you well. I wish good things for you and your loved ones. I wish that you all are happy and healthy, with many things to celebrate. I hope this time of year is filled with warmth and love, surrounded by those closest to you. How can you possibly be upset by that? It’s not exclusionary to wish someone a merry Christmas (or Hannukah or Kwanzaa or whatever), it’s inclusive. It’s sharing good feelings and warm wishes with a stranger. And you’re going to be offended by that?

So lighten up, folks. If someone wishes you a holiday greeting that doesn’t match your personal religious beliefs, or even if they play it safe and offer up a generic “season’s greetings” and that bothers you, don’t get haughty and indignant. Just smile and respond with whatever greeting you prefer. And have a merry Christmas.

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